September 29, 2004 - 12:21 PM

I AM UN

Sitting in the backroom of O'Brien's in Santa Monica, I listened. Listened as Kyler and Sylvie performed with their customary brilliance. Listened as all the people in the audience talked about music and what songs/bands/people they've been working with because, of course, they are all in the music business. And I don't mean that in a snotty way, really. It wasn't "hip" people trying to be cool by dropping names or flaunting their big brassy biz balls; these were honest-to-god, hard-working musicians and entrepeneurs who do it because they love music.

And I was shocked and sad to realize how outside of it I felt. 3 weeks of this new job, 3 weeks of a regular schedule, 3 weeks of having nights and weekends free. I feel like I'm no longer involved in music as a business. I am now back to being just a music appreciator, a consumer.

There's a disheartening empty space inside of me now.

I sidestepped into this job to take a break from the music business, to see how I liked normalcy. I'm already stuck in the ruts of routine and complacency. It's like when I was on Zoloft- I wake up, drive to work, sit around, deliver and pick up things, drive home, sit in front of the computer and TV, then go to sleep, and it's all done without zest. Everything is surface; nothing is done with passion, nothing requires deeper thinking, nothing offers difficult challenges.

It's not that I don't like the job. I do. I like the people. I like the show. But it's been easy to coast.

Conflict: while I am restless and unhappy with my dronish life, I don't have an intense urge to do anything about it. I'm not chomping at the bit to get back to being a fulltime freelance engineer. In fact, i kinda dread leaving the cushiness of a constant paycheck and a predictable schedule. I almost don't mind being a 9-5, workaday Joe Anybody.

As I sat in the audience, I thought about how talented and passionate all these people are. They are making a go at living their dream and making a living out of it. And me, not so much right now. What am I? I couldn't figure out the proper word (and I am one who NEEDS to have the right word in the right place, because words have meaning, they have nuance, they have power and the ability to be distill the essence of everything in one moment)- it was an "UN-" word. Uninteresting? Uninspiring? Uninspired? Not quite; I branched out. Normal? Boring? Diffident? Indifferent? Hmmm...

And then, the word, dancing just beyond the periphery of my brain, finally settled into clear view: unremarkable. I am Unremarkable. I hate it, and yet I'm comfortable with it. These other people, they have aspirations and ambitions- they are remarkable. I am anonymous. I don't know what I would do if I were remarkable.

Don't worry, Mom, you didn't mess up in raising me. I just get all dysfunctional, low self-esteemy when I see people in concert who totally kick my ass and make me feel worthless. And when I'm not challenged in life. And when I get exasperated that no girls are all "hey paul, you're cute".

Anyhow, Sylvie gave me some good advice after the show. She told me about a friend of hers who makes quarterly goals. At the end of 3 months, he tallies up what he has accomplished and what he hasn't, figures out where he improved and where he declined, both materially and spiritually. This seems like a good way to focus my life direction, a way to compartamentalize things so that I'm not daunted by the huge picture.

Now Listening To : Dido- No Angel
Random Thought : Thanks Soph for the Star Wars Trilogy DVD set. It's so shiny. So very shiny.

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