September 08, 2005 - 11:34 AM

Ukulele Lady Like a Me Will Like You Too

You know you have a crush on a friend when:
-your best friend can tell by listening to you talk to her on the phone
-your cousin can tell by how you talk about working with her on her album
-you take time to find a relatively quiet corner on the casino floor at the MGM Grand to call her and make sure she got through a snafu-y situation with the album
-you find yourself thinking of her while you're at a bachelor party at a strip club, and you turn away dancers by explaining that you think you kinda like this girl, and you don't mean any of the girls there
-while at the strip club, with a fair amount of alcohol in your system, you tune everything else out in order to send a text message that says "Here's the thing i'm smitten with you and i can't stop thinking about you plus i'm drunk but yeah thats it"

Ummm, I hope she doesn't find this diary entry.

So I liked Victoria. And I kept liking her more and more. Our email exchanges were full of nonsense and goofiness and insults. When we talked on the phone, it would be 5 minutes of business, 20 minutes of babble about everything and nothing. We traded barbs, sarcasm, and inside jokes like old friends. The more I got to know her, the more endearing she became.

We were emailing everyday from the end of July until she came out here and talking on the phone 2 or 3 times a week. I'd get somewhere on a song and send it to her for her approval; she'd go into the studio to record new parts with her part-time band and send me the tracks; we'd discuss her travel plans or the album artwork.

When she finally was out here, I was reminded of how pretty she is and how nice she smells. But beyond that, I got to really see what a cool person she is. I realized after I dropped her off at the airport why exactly I had been smited so deeply by her. It sounds kinda silly, I know, but it also makes so much sense.

My friend Nick got me to try online dating a few years ago. I made profiles on the Salon personals website, on Match.com, and on Friendster. And under the sections for "Who I'm looking for", at various times I had variations on this entry: Someone who is silly yet sensible, goofy yet grounded. Has common sense, but sense enough to disregard it sometimes. Knows who she is, or at least is on the way to knowing who she is. Isn't "too cool", especially "for school"; "for words" is ok, but the school thing is right out.

I'd not found that girl. I was hoping the one I dated back in July would fit me, but after getting to know her, I realized that, while she was a very nice person, she wasn't the type of person that I'd be friends with. It didn't make sense to me to try to pursue romance while trying to force a friendship.

But things clicked as far as Tory went. Here was a friend already, one with whom I was getting even closer (for me, when I can converse comfortably on the telephone with someone, they're a very close friend). And then it hit me: Tory fit my description of Who I'm Looking For exactly. She's often silly and goofy and humorous and slightly ADD, but she turns on the seriousness when it's proper. She dreams big about her career, but is also realistic and uncompromising about it. She has also buckled down about being a professional singer-songwriter, booking 200 dates this year, driving all over the country to make new fans. She takes compliments graciously and with a grain of salt. She's not swept up by the glitz and glamour of the music biz and L.A. She doesn't want to make it big, she wants to make it good.

Did I mention that she's cute and sweet and fun and talented and smells sooooo good?

My "does she like me?" radar is retarded, though. I couldn't tell if our correspondances and conversations were a series of flirtations or just the slings and arrows of friends. While she was here, we were too busy and tired for me to feel out how she felt about me. The only indications I thought I saw, and this shows how adolescent my attraction antennae are, were that she didn't pull away when we made physical contact and she bought me a shirt when she was out buying herself some clothes. And next week, my mom is gonna drop me off at the mall where I can hang out with Jonny and Billy and Andy! I love the Orange Julius!

She left Thursday afternoon. I thought about her all day and then we talked that night. I went to Vegas for Tony's bachelor party on Friday, thought about her, called her from the casino floor. We gambled, I had a massage, we ate, she retreated in my mind. And then we went to the gentlemen's club on Saturday night, and I thought about her again. And drunk text-messaged her.

Sunday, I was all "oh shit oh shit oh shit, I'm thirsty, oh shit oh shit oh shit." We flew back to L.A., and I recovered from all the drinking. But it was the wait for a response that was an eternity of anguish. And then she called Sunday night.

We tiptoed around "the message". Awkwardly fumbled with having a normal conversation. But we finally talked about it. And she was flattered, and said how sweet I was. And that it was impractical.

I assumed that she was referencing what she had talked about when talking about her previous boyfriend- the distance thing, the career thing; and also the fact that I live in L.A. and have a career here, and she can't see herself living here. Maybe San Diego if she moves from Wisconsin, but not L.A. And I was sad, understanding, but sad. She assured me that I'll find a good girl in L.A., and I asked her to clone herself and send the clone out here.

She never said "I like you too, but..." which I take to mean she only likes me as a friend, and we did email a few days later to talk about the artwork. I apologized for putting her in that awkward situation, and she said it was ok, that we're still friends. So I have to slowly go through the process of stopping the pining. It's tough, especially with all these weddings and babies happening around me, but c'est la vie.

Now Listening To : Dido- No Angel
Random Thought : no thought

What I Just Wrote Before - What I'm About to Write

The Five Most Recent Entries

Here's a hand-picked playlist of 40-plus songs for you to listen to: