January 09, 2004 - 5:54 PM

TSFR

Can someone explain to me what the deal is with the sweatpants/sweat-shorts on women these days that have words written on the bottoms? You know what I'm talking about. Those derrieres that sport the word "JUICY" across them boldly, flaunting the succulence of...well...yeah, you know. Whenever I go to the gym during the day, I invariably see at least a couple rear ends proudly proclaiming their state of being, or demonstrating support for a college or sports team. This can be very distracting and possibly dangerous, especially if I'm running on the treadmills.

The treadmills at my gym are situated to the rear, behind the rows of stationary bikes, stairsteppers, and elliptical machines. There are actually two rows of treadmills, but the ones in the first row are slower to start up, taking 20-30 seconds to reach maximum speed; the second row ones only take 10-15 seconds to ramp up, so those are the ones that I choose to use. Being in the back like that, I usually watch the TV monitors hanging from the ceiling; sometimes I look around and check out who else is in the gym (Mr. T!). Yes, I do marvel at the scores of exceptionally beautiful women that are working out, and yes, I am in awe of the women who are so solid and fit that they could easily break me in half. These women work hard to make themselves look good, they know they look good, and they dress accordingly. I have no problem with that, and I appreciate it. However, when my eyes scan a "hip" chick with Juicy plastered across her rump, I just roll my eyes in derision.

I guess maybe it's marketing "genius" that led the designers to afix their brand names/logos so prominently across both cheeks, since people (ie. men with hormones) tend to let their eyes wander in that direction anyways. But, just like logos/slogans that stretch across the chest area on shirts, the butt banners are cause for consternation with me (and I assume other men who have some sense of propriety). I mean, you're supposed to look, right? How could you not? The human eye naturally spots areas of change or difference, like noticing a newly placed poster on a wall, or a haircut, or a severed limb. The gaze will gravitate towards the boob and the butt that suddenly has writing across it, and it will linger while attempting to decipher what it is exactly that is written there. So, yeah, you notice the branding, and the designer/marketer has done his or her job of getting their clothes noticed. Yet, how long CAN you stare? Normally, you'd be vilified for ogling a woman's assets- you'd be considered a pig, a base sex-mongerer. Like driving by an accident, you know you must avert your eyes because it's not decent to keep staring, and yet you can't stop staring. However, if you keep looking, you might pull the car right by mistake and slam into the car in the next lane; or you might drift to the left on the treadmill, step on the siderail, slip, and fall off the back. Not that I've done that.

Aside from the dilemma of stare/not stare, there's just the reaction (maybe I'm alone in this) that that kind of clothing is trampy and trashy. I admit to not being a clothes horse, one who is hip to fashion trends. I prefer classic khakis and solid colors, New England outdoorsy via LL Bean, Eddie Bauer, and J Crew. So stuff like Von Dutchie trucker hats (which oddly remind me of the baseball caps we wore in Little League baseball and which I vow to never wear again), low-riding ass-crack pants, and, yes, Juicy couture make little sense to me. It seems to me that the people who grab onto these faddish styles are desperate to be cool by dressing cool, and they have little personality beyond the exterior that they create based on magazine and television "advice." And what's up with calling it "Juicy couture"? Trying to get all Frenchy high-falutin' on us ain't covering up the fact that IT'S TRAILER SKANK WEAR. A way to advertise "hi, I'm perky and easy! *giggle*" Give it up, you redneck wannabes.

aside: notice how the 70's crept back into style 8 years ago, and how the 80's are back in style now (dude, tube socks-as-armbands)? And the 60's were hip back in the early 90's? I'm curious to see how much of the 80's comes back in style (Flock of Seagulls hair, shiny boxy mens' suits with sleeves rolled up, hair-arena rock bands), and what of the 90's will be deemed cool again in the next 5 years. Flannel and grunge, anyone?

Despite, or maybe because of, my contempt for the Juicy revolution, I've come up with a new design to be placed on women's butts the (Chic) world over. Four simple letters.

TSFR

See, there's an inherent mystery to the use of what appears to be an acronym, like DKNY or FUBU. A COOL mystery. People will flock to it. And to stoke the fires of commercialism, we can leak a rumor that TSFR stands for The Sauciest Fanny 'Round. You know that women wanting to flaunt their hotness will jump all over THAT one.

Maybe we can even spread rumors for different focus-groups.
Taut Supple Firm Round for the 30 year olds scared of gravity
Tasty Sexy Fully Ripe for the 20 year olds on the prowl
This Side For Riding for those who like...um...horses

And of course, we'll get the rumors of what the letters REALLY stand for:
Totally Saggy Fat Rump
Tired Stupid Fashionista Retard
Tank Stops For Refueling
Toxic Stinky Flatulence Receptacle

But I'll let you in on a little secret. The reason why I came up with the letters TSFR in the first place. The real meaning behind the acronym:

This Space For Rent

Because, isn't that what's going on? It's Butt-whoring, baby.

Now Listening To : The Beatles-Help!
Random Thought : I'm working out some designs to make this place look nicer, really! Just give me some time.

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