May 10, 2004 - 12:13 PM

This Is Me Breathing

I've lost my compass, and my rudder, and my sails. The waters are still, the wind no longer blows, and I have not the will to man the oars.

I've lost the passion that drove my desire to work. The more time I spend away from recording, the more I lose my love for it. I dread sending out resumes to other studios because I don't want to work. I try to convince myself that something will come along, something will fall in my lap, but I'm also copping out, psyching myself out of finding a job.

I've been saying for years that I'm lucky to have found what I want to do in life and to be able to pursue that love as a career. But now that it seems like I've lost that fire, I'm afraid. I'm a coward. I use the excuse that I don't want to have a job, do work, just for the sake of earning money to pay the bills. Something that's menial and without meaning. But isn't that bullshit? Most people are doing jobs for which they care little, just so that they can be financially stable. Money drives, not love or passion. Why shouldn't I be able to do that too? I'm not such a radically different person from everyone else that I can't just buckle down, suck it up, and get a job.

And I think about, well, perhaps I should do some higher learning, or learning of new skills to get a good job. But I don't know how to go about doing that because I don't know where to begin. I need someone to tell me, to show me the way. It's like I've been walking through a maze that only has one path, but then the maze is torn down around me and I'm in an infinitely expansive field all of a sudden with no paths anywhere. I know I need to move, to go somewhere, but I don't know where that somewhere else is, and I can't see how to get there or anywhere of substance. I only know where I am right now, and where I am feels scary and insignificant and isolated and nowhere.

Several people have brought up the idea of getting into IT services (getting certified) because it would seem to be a good fit for me, what with my using computers so much. But really, I'm not that technically oriented and I'm not sure how well I would do with that. Or maybe I'm just shying away because I'm too scared to learn something new that I'm not fully interested in. Or I'm just lazy. And my mom has brought up the ideas of getting into counseling or normal engineering, or even law, none of which sounds appealing (sorry Y, I'm not saying negative things about your profession, just that it's not for me). To be honest, the most appealing thing that has been brought up has been the idea of working for a tv show/ entertainment business doing stupid grunt work. Because it's the easy way out. I don't have to use my brain too much, I don't have to take my work home with me. Minimal resistance, minimal effort, minimal paycheck. Underachieving big time. Wasting my brain, my talents, my education, all the time and money that has been put into me.

I don't want to take risks. I don't want to challenge myself. I don't want to dive into the unknown. I just want to be safe.

I fall easily into this trap of becoming desperate. If things are going smoothly, then I can maintain an even keel, so long as I don't become too introspective. But once a rough patch finds me, my mental states fluctuate widely. I drop down into a funk of defeat that, at worst, can be a debilitating depression. Realizing that I have no real steady job right now, and that there is none waiting in the immediate future, and that I have to rely on my parents to help me out financially freezes me up. Conversely, the littlest good news or prospect of good news, such as sending out a resume or talking with someone about possible job opportunities, can brighten my hopes up, perhaps too fully. Times of desperation lead me to be quick in riding highs and lows.

I have people who worry for me, people who try to help. And I appreciate it. But it also reinforces how much I suck and how much my situation sucks. My parents called me several times this week. They don't conceal their concern. My mother offers me ideas of what to do, asking me how things are, what my job prospects are. I get snippy with her (and immediately feel bad about it) because it seems like i've told her this stuff before (although I'm not sure that i have) and I just can't help becoming defensive when she "pries" into my life. How is it, why is it that when I talk to my parents, I become noncommittal in my conversation and don't want to reveal anything? Why do I shut out these people who care about me the most, who support me the most, who want the best for me? I want to be independent of them, yet I want them to solve my problems behind the scenes. Was I not raised to be self-sufficient enough? Was I babied too much?

Then I talked to my dad, who is finding himself in a similar boat. Unemployed and unhappy to not be doing anything constructive with his time. He retired from his practice at the end of last year, and now doesn't know how to redirect his energy. He sounded lost when we spoke. He wanted to come out and visit me next week, but I had to say no because I have jury duty that week; when I informed him of this, he became sad. How my mom is managing to hold things together for him and me, I don't know. Tiny woman, big strong heart.

It's up to me. My problems are mine to solve. I just don't want to do anything to help myself. I want someone else to figure it out and give me the solution. I remember feeling this way when I left Amherst in '97. Ennui. Lackluster. Listless. Hoping that psychotherapy and zoloft would cure me. Dreading looking for a new school (hell, I signed up for a public speaking class at the local community college and dropped out after 2 sessions), dreading looking for a job. And yet, when I got a job working at a movie theater after nearly a year of doing nothing, I got my self-confidence back. I was doing something worthwhile. While I don't want to work a total minimum wage job like that, I have to hope that getting any kind of stable job will bring my spirits back up.

But for now, I'm stuck here and I don't know how to get out. And right now, I don't like myself all that much.

Now Listening To : Granddaddy-Sumday
Random Thought : Erin McKeown tuesday and wednesday nights at Largo. Anyone interested?

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