July 25, 2003 - 11:40 PM

The Best Man Speech

So, it's the near future. I've got the speech that I gave at Phil's wedding reception right here. Now to transcribe it.

If you would like a transcript of this speech, you can send an email to ###. Please include a check for five dollars with the email.

Jen and Phil. Bride and Groom. Wife and Husband. Woman and Man. Now I don't know about you, but something about that just sounds strange. It's probably because Phil is not a man. I mean, I don't think of him as a man. It's not that I'm questioning his gender, that's not what we're talking about; he's definitely a...

Well, he's a dude, you know? A dude, THE dude that I grew up with. The dude who, through his huge influence upon me, caused me to incorporate the term "dude" unironically into my everyday conversation. And I still haven't forgiven him for that.

But anyways, yeah, he's a dude, not a man. He's a guy. The guy who was a natural at all sports, a talent in the arts, a whiz at math, and an absolutely charismatic figure in public. I followed him into baseball, basketball, volleyball, tae kwon do, always marveling at how good he was at them. I suspect that he encouraged me to do those sports just so he could have someone to beat.

But he wasn't all Mr. Meathead McJockstrap. He also had an affinity and facility for creative things. Phil could play the heck out of the violin as I'm sure many of you have heard; his school projects were always wicked cool and original (and I have to admit that a majority of my projects were really direct imitations...I mean "homages" to ones he had already done); and my sister and I can both attest to the fact that he put on the best stuffed-toy animal puppet shows. In fact, I believe we have audio and video tape of his performances as proof. Copies can be purchased along with this transcript for an additional ten dollars each.

But more important than just being a guy or a dude, almost on par with the lyric "no longer a girl, not quite a woman", is the fact that Phil is my brother. *pause* You know, I really need to have one of those Audience Prompter sign thingees or something. You all were supposed to go "awww" right there. *pause* That's better.

As my brother, Phil's taken care of me, served as my template, my idol, my protector, my cheering section, my friend, and my playmate. Phil introduced me to the wonders and the horrors of alcohol. In fact, he got me drunk for the very first time at Wesleyan. A couple of you guys were there. But besides the alcohol, he's also introduced me to fancy sushi, french cuisine, and other exotic foods and sexy restaurants. He's shown me how to dress in style, how to accessorise, how to just plain be cool.

You know, I don't remember us ever having a fight past the age of 10, although once, when he was about 13 and I was 11, we were goofing around and he whacked me with a pillow. Now, I was holding a pencil at the time and the blow caused me to stab myself in the arm and break off the graphite point. And it's still there, just below the surface of the skin, a reminder of the fury of Phil. Pictures of the wound can be purchased for ten dollars.

To have known Phil as my brother, just my brother for my whole life, I can't connect with the idea that he's a fully grown, autonomous, able to change his own pants kind of man. For Jen's sake, I hope he is a man, or else she has her work cut out for her.

In case he isn't, I present two little gifts that will perhaps aid Jen. Cholula Hot sauce (my favorite hot sauce) to make the marriage a little spicier (that's a spicy meatball); and Burberry Perfume, to make it a little sweeter.

So now, let us make a toast to my brother Phil, and my new sister Jen. Salud!

There you go folks. My speech. A few parts may have been altered during the actual performance, but I can't remember what those actually were. Now, if you read the whole thing, you better send me those 5 bucks!

Now Listening To : Caroline Lavelle-Brilliant Midnight
Random Thought : Know what? It's friggin' peach season! God, I love peaches.

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