May 04, 2006 - 9:03 PM

Shirts and Flirts

Made famous by the likes of Audrey Hepburn, Rosie the Riveter, and your local California Pizza Kitchen waitstaff, button-down shirts with sleeves stopping at the elbows have long been a way to catch attention. "Yeah, guys like that style," proclaims affirmed girl Providence Pam.

According to the LL Bean catalog, they are called "women's three-quarter button-front shirts." Other retailers list them under different names, including "button-downs", "blouses", and "oxfords". There is even debate about what exactly constitutes an "oxford"; according to fashionista and offical Friend of Pam, Lucy, an "oxford" is a button down shirt that has buttons at the collar. However, there are those who cling to a strict interpretation of the Dictionary.com definition for "oxford", that is, "a cotton cloth of a tight basket weave, used primarily for shirts." Whatever the name, these shirts are in style and catching the eyes of men everywhere.

What is it about these shirts, though, that is so sartorially pleasing? Noted boy, Pkers, thinks he has a theory or two.

"You see these shirts as part of the uniform at a lot of service oriented places, such as restaurants and clothing stores. There's something professional about the standard button-down shirt, as if you are working in an office; but the 3/4 sleeves, or the sleeves rolled up above the elbows add a jaunty "how-do-you-do" to the look. It takes the straight-laced edge off. So a man might see this and think, 'hey, that sharp looking woman who is asking what I would like to drink must be a good, smart worker because she's wearing a button-front shirt, much like I do when I sit in my office and do my important work at big boy law firm, but wait, she's so accesible and salt-of-the-earth with the way she's rolled up the sleeves, ready to get her hands dirty,' " posits Pkers.

"This translates into a positive image of the woman for the man. Add to that the fact that she is giving him her attention, and she wants to know what she can do to help him, and he is understandably attracted to her."

There are dissenters to this theory, however. "What, you're saying that men like a girl because she's serving them? The only reason why a guy thinks a girl working at a restaurant in one of those shirts is hot is because she's at his beck-and-call, all subservient? You're such a pig," conjectured professional older sister Soph, before slapping Pkers across the face.

"No, no, that's not what I meant," argues Pkers while crying to his mom. "I...uh...a guy likes her because of her shirt...I mean...she's a hard worker, but she's also...guys like it when a girl is their server or waitress because, right, yes, I got it. Because, even if this girl is only showing an interest in them or talking to them because it's part of her job to, you know, be friendly and that way she'll maybe get a decent tip if he's not total asswipe plus, hello, she's not a mind-reader so how else is she going to get their food order I mean really; in the guys' mind, it's all 'hey, this girl is talking to me, and she's being NICE to me. That's so hot. God, I'm so lonely.' It's not about 'woman belongs in the kitchen, pregnant and barefoot, making me a sammich and getting me a beer and doing the dishes', it's about having a girl pay attention to you."

When asked if he wanted to dig himself deeper into his hole, Pkers ruminated, "For me, the attraction to a girl with this kind of shirt also has roots in my Catholic School days." After strange looks from this interviewer and calls from the Roman Catholic Church denying that anything was ever done to Pkers and those documents are sealed and why do you ask what's behind that curtain there is nothing back there ignore the man with the microphone and the levers, Pkers continued.

"There were uniforms. Well, in grade school, there were uniforms. In high school, the girls had uniforms, the boys had a dress code. The girls were quite vocal about that disparity. Anyways, the girls had to wear button down shirts with either these hideous yellow sweaters or some crappy brown ones. So whenever they could take off the sweaters, they would, and, well, anything after those abominable sweaters would be an improvement. But, let me say, those girls looked good in those white button-down shirts, and the shirts looked good on them."

When told of what he'd said, former high school friend Y responded "He said what?! God, I don't even know that boy anymore. Now stop bothering me, I've got to finish unpacking my boxes here in Virginia, where I've moved, after getting a job in D.C., because I don't want to be hit on by Chippendale dancers in the New York City subway system anymore and no I didn't tell you about the move. Don't make me come over there and slap you."

Rubbing his now-welted other cheek, Pkers concludes, "I have nothing else to say. I just think a girl looks good wearing one of those shirts. Is it connected to the first instances of my having crushes on girls in junior high and high school, and those girls mostly wearing oxfords? Perhaps. Is it also related to my constantly crushing on waitresses wearing those crisp, clean shirts and being nice to me and smiling (because it's their job, Soph, keep your hands away from my face)? Maybe. Like that girl at Room 5 a few nights ago when I was there to see Terami do a too short set. The girl behind the bar in the black shirt, black pants, and black apron. She had the sleeves rolled up and two buttons undone and a cute ponytail with nicely managed bangs. And even though I didn't want to have a drink, when she asked me what I would like, I ordered a beer. Just because she was so purty. Terrifyingly, terribly pretty..."

At this point, Pkers trailed off with a far-away look in his eyes. We were unable to bring him back to the interview. Pam just shook her head and said, "He's been the King of Crushes lately. Just look at his diary entries. Poor l'il Pkers...he's gotten so desperate, he's trolling on Friendster again. He needs some good, sweet lovin'."

ed. note- This article had to be edited to remove the many superfluous uses of the word "shirtily", which we believe the author was trying to get in as often as possible because he thought it was witty. Seriously, it was in, like, every sentence. It was beginning to read like a script for the Smurfs, only a version where they were called The Shirts.

Now Listening To : Crash Vegas- Red Earth
Random Thought : so pretty...maybe she'll be there next week when i go see Adrianne and Kyler...

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