June 29, 2004 - 2:25 AM

Rutted in a Funk

I wanted to apologize for the abysmal state of upkeep with this diary lately. It's not for lack of material. While I haven't been explosively busy with my life, I have been moderately engaged in work and other things; plus, I've had ideas for non-daily-recounting entries about stupid ideas that enter my head. I've even started writing these entries...there's a text document on my Mac's desktop with several different nascencies sprawled across it's white surface; but everytime I get a few thoughts together on something, I lose focus. The effort of putting thoughts together and transferring them through the keyboard becomes a chore. So I putter about the internet instead, catching up on baseball stuff, tinkering with my teams, visiting my usual haunts; when I've exhausted those, I delve into my bookmarks and dredge up links that I've neglected for too long, occasionally finding out happy new bits of info (the director's cut of Robocop is finally released as an anamorphic widescreen presentation with commentary and extras...unfortunately, it seems to only be a part of a package with the the two sequels) or adding new items to wishlists at Amazon or deepdiscountcd or deepdiscountdvd or Netflix and resisting the urge to buy any of the previously sequestered items there (I finally broke down last week and splurged on Patty Griffin's latest album, plus CD's from Snow Patrol, Phantom Planet, Leona Naess, Sarah Harmer, and Daniel Lanois).

Once I begin to lose interest in the depths of the internet, instead of returning to the diary entry beginnings that stare back at me like expectant guppies, I shut off the computer and shut off my mind in front of the TEEvee. It's as if I really don't want to engage my mind in anything of importance (not that this diary thing is all that important...but it is a way for me to keep my creative energies running as well as a way to keep communicating with you readers out there), which perhaps reflects my current state of being. I'm working and have enough to get by for the summer, but I really don't have anything lined up like I should for July and August. I've become too comfortable living a sustenance level lifestyle, where I work a job for a finite period of time, and hope that something comes along soon afterwards to tide me over. I did meet up with the classical music engineer, and he seemed very eager to have me onboard to assist him (he's building a new studio with two small rooms and it looks like he's got a lot of work coming in), but we have to wait until the end of August when he gets back from several music festivals in San Diego and Arizona to discuss plans. And of course I've got the substitute teaching thing for the fall. But at this moment, I'm not looking at any other alternatives. I'm not pursuing a career opportunity, I'm not on the prowl for jobs that offer continuous employment and security, I'm not...what is it? I'm not figuring out how to get by to the next 3 years. To the steady paycheck. To the ability to afford and support a family.

My mom sent me pictures of my godbrother Michael's new baby (I say he's my godbrother because his parents are my godparents, and my parents are his). I didn't even know that he was married, let alone expecting a child. He's the same age as my sister, and we all grew up in the same area; I always thought of him as a brash, cocky, smart-ass preppie jock. His brother Eddie, who was a year older than me, was similar, but a little more mellow and artsy (interesting note: Eddie went to the same college as Soph, Williams, and their youngest brother, Frankie, is now at my first college, Amherst). Somewhere in the intervening years from when Mike graduated from Williams and Mary in Virginia and now, he's changed. He's spent the past few years in Madagascar, doing a Peace Corps kinda thing, and he's really passionate about it (at one point a few years ago, he had to evacuate his village immediately because of war elements and came home to the states for a few months; but as soon as he could, he went right back). And now, he's married someone over there and they just had a child. It's so wild. It blows my mind and breaks my heart (in all the right ways).

But here I am, unsure of where my life is going, afraid of trying to get a girlfriend because of the uncertainty that is my life and not being able to say to her, "yes, I have a job." Because I inevitably will play out the string into the future and see me struggling to make ends meet for myself, much less for the two of us, and what about if we have kids?

So to avoid these daunting thoughts, I'll just sit in front of the TEEvee. It's summer, I know, and there's nothing worth watching (even with the non-rerun summer programming that the networks are dumping on us); I've been contenting myself with my series DVDs. It started with another watching of Band of Brothers that started on Memorial Day (I think that made the 5th full viewing of the series for me), then moved on to Sports Night, and I just finished West Wing's first season. Watching these episodes has not only kept my mind sedate and prevented it from working on more entries, it's also distracted me from going to the gym more often. I make plans in my mind to hit the weights at a certain time, prepare a meal a few hours before and eat it while watching the shows, but then find myself consuming the next episode and the next and the next, and suddenly it's time for me to go to work, or time for bed.

There is a rut at work here. I need to deviate from it.

Now Listening To : Cowboy Junkies- Trinity Sessions
Random Thought : My parents are coming to town and staying with me today. Ahnyoung!

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