May 15, 2006 - 11:49 PM

Bless You Bless You All of You Pretty Girls

In the moment (and probably for the ensuing 24 hours after the moment, too) it's all confusing, isn't it? You don't know what's going on, what you're doing, what she's doing, what she's thinking, how to react. It just happens, and you hang on for dear life. It'd be nice if you could anticipate what will happen next, control the situation, or at the very least, control what you say and what you do. But you can't. It's moment by moment and everything you say and do is reflexive and unpremeditated. I guess it's purely who you are. And if you're not entirely sure of who you are or don't like all the facets of yourself, well, it can be scary.

So you puzzle and you analyze after the fact. You wonder if this meant anything, or was that a clue, and why did she say that? And you reimagine what you could have done to get a better handle on things, to show more interest, less interest, any interest. And just as it's getting so dizzyingly ginormous in your little brain, you call your sister and her husband, and they talk you down from the stratosphere. They ground you in who you are, why you are a good person, why you are a catch; why, if she didn't seem interested in THAT way, it's no knock on you, it's just the way it is, the way things don't click, and you're still worthwhile for plenty of other girls. And suddenly, it's clearer, there's room to move and breathe; the world is set back to order. That's what sisters are for.

I'm still not sure if the thing on Friday was a date or not. I don't think it was. It was date-ish. Kinda. Like I said before, I found the girl on Friendster (let's call her A) and when I messaged her, she was quick to respond (a rarity for me) and quite taken with the way I write. She happens to be directing a stage musical down in Hollywood, and when we talked on the phone on Monday, she suggested I catch a performance. I told her my Friday was free, so I could see that show, and she was, like, "alright, and then we can go out for a drink afterwards."

It seemed to me as if I was just a new friend, invited down to check out her show. We met outside the entrance a quarter hour before showtime and talked for a few minutes before I went in to find a seat. She joked that I should grab a good seat in the small theater where there really were no "bad" seats, but there was no indication that I should save her a seat, nor did I push the issue. She was busy chatting up audience members and friends like any good director, then took a seat in the back just before the lights went down. During intermission, we interacted briefly as she was still occupied with playing the good host, and I was able to gush to her about the penguins in the show.

After the second act, I hung around behind a crowd of friends and well-wishers as she caught up on news while accepting and doling out compliments. By the time she got through with her retinue, we had to step outside. She introduced me to the cast members as they were leaving as well as a few of her friends who were sticking around. Small talk abounded, she turned down a few invitiations to hang out with various people, and then we walked the several blocks north to the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

The conversations on the walk and at the bar were good. Once I get into the middle of a conversation, I do fine- it's the starting and ending that I don't quite have the handle on. We talked about the show (a funny irony is that it's called "Internet Dating: The Musical") and how I enjoyed it (yes, i honestly did); we talked about what a "scene" the bar was at 10 PM on a Friday night, to our mutual displeasure; we talked about our jobs, our careers, family, where we're from, how L.A. life is treating us. It was the usual talk of two people getting to know each other. As friends.

I paid the cover charge for both of us, she bought the first (and only) round of drinks; I held her coat for her after she took it off, and I held her drink while she fiddled with her purse. Other than that, there were no "date" indicators. We never discussed dating or the humor in this being an internet date after attending a performance of Internet Dating: the Musical. It wasn't strained or anything- she seemed genuinely interested in what I was saying and was amused by me, and I enjoyed talking with her and finding out more about her. And we were moving along in simpatico, trains of conversations running at the same speed, deciding when to move from one spot to another and when to leave with relative ease. But the tracks were always running parallel, not converging (or diverging), just a constant arms length from each other.

I walked her back to her car, and she drove me to my car the next block over. Like I said before, I'm bad at the beginnings and ends, and the uncertainty of what exactly this evening had been caught up to me. We didn't kiss, or hug, or even shake hands. Instead, we sat for a few microseconds as neither of us knew how to end the night; made the usual "this was fun" and "thanks for coming out" verbalisations; and then things ended with an awkward-ish, semi-humorous exchange about me emailing her, but maybe not right away because she's been having computer problems and was only able to access email via her phone, and maybe she should contact me when things are sorted out because her phone's been on the fritz a little lately, too.

Still not sure what to think of the whole thing (and let me tell you, in a twist that you don't usually see with these sorts of things, she was actually even cuter in person than she is in her profile pictures), I received an email from her on Saturday, very friendly and friend-oriented in its wording. My mind now spinning in all sorts of orbits, I called Soph, and thank god, because she helped. Everything settled down, and I realized that the girl, A, may have interpreted my actions and words as me being not interested, or else she was not interested in anything more than being friends. Either way was ok. I wouldn't mind just being friends with her, and leave it at that. I was ok with that. It doesn't have to be boom or bust, romantically speaking, with every girl. It can just be friends.

So I emailed her back, telling her that it was my pleasure seeing the show and hanging out with her, that we should totaly do it again in the future, and I'd be sure to let her know of upcoming concerts (something she asked me to do in her email). I hope this means I have a new friend to go out to shows with, because even something as small as that would be awesome.

This little epiphany gave the rest of the night clarity. Enough so that, when I was at Room 5 yet again, this time to see Kyler (and I took along Ryan and his roommate Joel, and they enjoyed her set, which always makes me happy), I worked up the courage to actually speak to the cute bartender! Well, it came at the end of the night, as I was about to leave. I went up to the bar, had a shot of scotch and mulled over what exactly to say to her. The act after Kyler was just finishing their set, and she was going through tabs in preparation for all the people that would be coming up to close them out. I tapped her on the shoulder and said:
"I just wanted to let you know"
"Yes?" (interpretation: 'how can i help you?')
"This is the third time in the past week and a half that I've been here..."
"Really?" ('Huh. Interesting. And kinda cool.')
"And every night, you've looked gorgeous."
surprised and flattered laughter "Aww thanks!"
"You look great. Always a beautiful set of earrings (more flattered laughter) and those black shirts. You really rock those shirts."
"Well thanks, that's real nice of you." ('Genuinely, that's sweet of you. Kinda silly, and you caught me off guard, but thanks')
"Just wanted to let you know..." then, walking away "I'll see you the next time around."
"Ok, bye!"

Fine, it was minimal damage hit and run, throwing the compliment out there, then walking away. But it was SOMETHING, wasn't it? Big step for me. And she didn't respond with a "crap, anOTHER random guy hitting on me" voice, either. She was caught off guard, sure, but flattered and graciously game. Next step for me is to compliment a girl, then stick around to continue the conversation.

Now Listening To : Rilo Kiley- More Adventurous
Random Thought : To throw another bit of intrigue into the situation, A is turning 33 in a few weeks. Do I mind? Nope.

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