January 06, 2004 - 9:09 PM

I'll Just Be Here If You Want Me

The past couple days (not including today; today I worked!), I've talked with/hung out with my friend Mike. Mike was one of my good friends at Berklee; we started in the Music Production and Engineering Degree program together, were in a lot of the same classes, and partnered up on a number of projects. He and his girlfriend Kristie moved out to L.A. a year before I did, and when I finally settled down here, Mike managed to get me hooked up with a job at the studio where he was working. He left the studio in order to become the assistant to a producer/engineer named Tom Rothrock, while I left to get a better shot at promotion, ending up at the studio where I currently work.

I'd see Mike and Kristie every couple of months when they'd have a party at their place, or when they went out of town because I'd look after their cats. It's interesting the coincidences that popped up between us, such as my having Kristie as my workstudy boss at Berklee but not knowing that she and Mike were dating until several months into the job, or my knowing a person they had both known at Brown University via totally different channels, or their moving to an apartment that is literally a 20 second walk down the back alley from mine.

They started dating at Brown in '96, lived together in Boston during our time at Berklee from '98 to '00, and were living together out here. They were together for 7 years. I got an email around the middle of December from Kristie. A bulk email to her friends in the L.A. area, asking for a place to stay while she searched for an apartment because, yep, she and Mike had split up. I was shocked by the news since I had seen Mike a month earlier to watch a movie, and I had seen Kristie at the Kyler show on the 3rd of December; both times, there was no hint of a possible separation. So there I was, sitting with an email on my screen, days away from flying home, and not sure of how to contact them to see what the story was, or, well, not even knowing which one of them to contact to get the scoop. I decided to leave it alone until after I returned from vacation, when things might not as painful to discuss for them, then attmepting to innocuously find a way to discover the truth.

Saturday evening, on my way to watch movies with Nick, I received a call from Mike. I gingerly nudged at the subject of the breakup, and he explained that Kristie had been enjoying the time they'd been spending apart over the past couple of months (he was working long hours every day with Tom, she was doing traveling up the coast and out to Florida for work). She decided that they were growing apart and that perhaps the relationship should be put on hiatus. He was surprised and didn't feel the same way, but he couldn't change her mind. So she moved out.

Talking to him on the phone, I could tell that he was grasping for a friendly comforting conversation. Now, I've always thought of myself as a sensitive guy, and most people who know me tend to agree. I like my emotions, sometimes I hate my emotions, but I always own my emotions. My being-in-touch with my feelings has even made people question me straight out if I was, well, straight (which is neither here nor there). Despite my freeness with feelings, I found that talking to Mike was difficult. In my limited experience with helping a friend through a breakup, I've never really known what to say to ease his/her pain. I remember from my one true heartbreak, which led to a year of emotional turmoil, that the best thing someone could do for me was to just be there, to listen to me with no motive in their heart, and maybe to drink with me.

"cry if you want to
I won't tell you not to
I won't try to cheer you up
I'll just be here if you want me"

The song that brought me the most comfort during my year of mending, and in the years since whenever I've felt the slump of the heart, is Cry (If You Want To) by Paul Brandt, as sung by Holly Cole. It encapsulates what I wish someone would have done for me. But I know that it's difficult for someone to just be there when you need them. Sometimes they find it too draining to be around you too much, or they care so much that they feel compelled to try to fix your broken heart, or they just can't BE there because they have to live their own lives as well.

"when it's empty and ugly and terribly sad
I can't feel what you feel but I know it feels bad
I know that it's real and it makes you so mad
you could cry"

With Mike, I did a little prodding, let him talk, conversed about other things. I still found it difficult going, traversing the delicate patches of conversation, wary of falling into hidden crevasses or cracking fissures across the seemingly together surface. I asked if he wanted to go see a movie Sunday, an invitation to which he jumped. After discussing what movies each of us had seen, we agreed upon Paycheck, since we're both John Woo fans. It actually turned out to be not as bad as we both feared (although Uma Thurman was pretty horrid. I couldn't tell if they were trying to make her look tired and frumpy to suit her character, a biologist; or if they were trying to make her look cool and sexy, but failing miserably.).

We talked a little on the drive to and from the theater, but nothing that really delved too far into things. Monday afternoon, Mike called to see if I wanted to get some chili at Chili My Soul in Encino for dinner. We ended up eating and shooting the shit for nearly 2 hours. I did my best to let him guide the conversation while bringing some levity and patented Paul non-sequiturs into play. I wished there was more I could do, more I could say, to make things a little better for him. But I guess this is what he needs, and I'll just continue to be there for him. If he wants to discuss the breakup, when he wants to, I'll be there for him. For now, it looks like, barring any work-related obstructions, we'll be heading down to The Mint on Pico Wednesday night to see a Tori Amos-esque singer-songwriter named Sarah Slean, and then maybe to O'brien's in Venice on Thursday to see Saucy Monky perform. One step at a time.

Now Listening To : Emm Gryner-Asianblue
Random Thought : I like candles. They smell nice.

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