February 25, 2004 - 12:24 AM

Guilty

It's Ash Wednesday now, the beginning of Lent. Is red meat not allowed at all, or just on Fridays? I don't remember...gosh, I've forgotten so many things about Catholicism, all the rules and dictums. I'm not even sure what the Holy days of obligation are anymore...Christmas and Easter are easy, then there's Pentecost, the Assumption, and..uh...hold on, let me check. I know that one of the days is around December 7th, the Pearl Harbor attack day...and one is, like, August 15th.

Okay, so, according to the Catholicism.about.com website, there's the Immaculate Conception on December 8th, All Saints Day on November 1st (the day after All Souls Day, or Halloween), the Assumption on the 15th of August, the Ascension 40 days after Easter, Holy Mary Mother of God day on the 1st of January (huh? I didn't know about that one), and Christmas. I guess because Easter always falls on a sunday, it's automatically a day of obligation. I don't know about Pentecost, though.

Heh, there's an ad in the middle of the page about the Holy Days. It's an ad for losing weight with a non-ephedra pill and it features just a woman's torso from her bust to her waist. Incongruous ad placement.

So, I talked with the studio manager today, and I apologized for messing up, and I asked him to not put me in the doghouse. I was hoping that our talk would smooth things out and ease my mind, but it actually made things worse. Don't worry, nothing bad happened. What I thought had been the problem WAS the actual problem, and I know that it was a mistake that I could learn from. The manager heard me out, I explained my piece, it was copacetic, but I got no assurance out of the discussion. I still feel like I'm in limbo, and there's a little bit of desperate nervousness about my job in my gut.

I'm pretty sure that this unease I'm feeling will pass in time, and that I'm making a larger deal out of the situation than is necessary. In a week, things will probably be back to normal (crossing fingers). But for now, I'm agitated. When I got home, I drank some scotch and watched TV. Not exactly the best remedy. The more I think back on the session last week, the more I realize that I made a lot of little fuck-ups (and one or two larger ones) that the engineer picked up on. I'm real good at self-flagellation, and believe me, I'm murdering myself over all the things I did. Thank you Catholic guilt.

What is it about the way I was raised that makes me revisit past failures over and over and tear myself a new one for each screw-up? Why do I suffer from so much guilt and second-guessing? I think I've moved on, moved past those demons, laid them to rest, but then they rear their ugly heads again, and I wanna smack my head against a wall. What makes it worse is that I hate myself for hating myself, you know? Is it a combination of being raised Catholic, Korean, and conservative?

Fucknuts. Maybe I need therapy.

No, I probably just have to go to the gym more often.

Now Listening To : Imogen Heap-I Megaphone
Random Thought : I bought Fight Club today. Perhaps that will soothe me. Ha!

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