August 01, 2004 - 11:41 AM

Automobilers That You Love to Hate

I'm a decent driver. Admittedly, I'm not the most conscientious of drivers (although I am a conscious driver), but I do follow the rules of the road and know my etiquette around other vehicles. I don't get too pissed off when I'm stuck in a traffic jam. I certainly am not a road rager who thinks that it's everyone against me, nor am I one of those pricks who zooms around impatiently cutting everyone off just to get ahead. But I do get steamed at those people who have no sense of how to drive sensibly, responsibly, and safely.

For instance, those jagoffs in their sporty little coupes with the throaty engines who flash across all lanes in traffic, jockeying for space to move ahead to the next whisper of an opening between cars, as if they were in a race with a million dollar prize to the winner. What is the problem with these people? Is it that important for them to be wherever they have to be that they must scare the bejeesus out of the rest of the drivers when they swoop in front of us? You know that area from the front of my car to the back of the car ahead of me? That's not your personal shimmy space, my friend. That's a breaking distance pad for safety so that I have enough room to apply my breaks without hitting whoever's in front. See, unlike you, most people DON'T like getting into gigantic accidents. Nimrod. It's even worse and scarier when it's some "hip" person driving a huge SUV slipping in front or behind you, blocking out the sun in an eclipse of menacing black steel.

Sometimes, you get those speedfreaks stuck behind you, and then you can have fun. Who here hasn't entertained the notion of breaking all of a sudden while there's a dillweed riding your bumper, just to get them to crash into you? Of course, common sense and the reality of car repairs and rising insurance rates prevent us from actually following through, but the delicious taste of automotive vengeance still lingers like so much warm apple pie upon the lips. But an almost as satisfyingly vindictive act to pull off is to slow down and box them in so that they CAN'T zoom around you. It works really well when you're on the highway, and the drivers in the lanes on either side of you share that special bond, that kinship of the road, wherein you all wanna screw the lane-changing tailgater on your ass. So, with you in a slight lead ahead of the flankers, all three of you drive at the same speed, and Mr. or Mrs. Taily McDrivestooclose can not escape from between your triangle of terror unless he or she *gasp!* takes the foot off the accelerator and applies it to that sorely neglected brake, pulls back, and maneuvers around your backs.

It's equally as fun if you're on surface streets with traffic lights or stop signs, because the speedster will dodge between the two lanes of cars and zoom ahead of everyone only to have to stop at a red light and have the pack catch up. Multiple times. And you can chuckle to yourself, or just flat out point and laugh every time you pull up next to them because they really aren't getting anywhere faster than you, no matter how desperately they dash ahead. If you are ahead of one of these persons, you can join forces with a car in the slow lane by pacing them in the left lane, effectively keeping the passer-wannabe blocked behind you two. I get a perverse pleasure from slowing those punks down like that.

What also bugs me when I'm driving, mostly on the highway, are the people who don't follow the understood rule of lane/speed precedence. You know, the right-handmost lane is for the slowest drivers, and as you move to the left, each lane is for faster and faster traffic, with the left-handmost lane reserved for fast passing. That rule is the glue that keeps our freeways and interstates moving. (Now I'm thinking that that glue metaphor doesn't work). Often, it depends on the day and time as to what kind of traffic will be around you: evenings, you might get the slow laners driving 65, the 2nd lane at 75, 3rd at 80, and the passing lane above 90; dawn, the passing lane could be barely at 70, and the first three lanes at or below the speed limit. You just gotta go with the flow. But then you run across those folks, usually older people, who, as soon as they get on the highway, shift over to the 3rd or even the fourth lane and putter along at 55. They don't even get the hint as people are passing them on either side that maybe they should be occupying the slower lanes to the right.

It's not about being aggressive, though. It's about keeping things flowing, allowing for some people to drive slower than the speed limit, at the speed limit, or above it, and not having one hinder the other. If you wanna talk about aggressive driving, you shoulda been in the car with me about a month ago when I went to a show on Sunset with Mike. Sunset is 2-lanes each way with the occasional 3rd middle lane for turning at traffic lights. We eased into the middle lane as we approached a red light, preparing to make the left turn when a black sporty mercedes wheeled into view from the perpendicular cross-street, making a right onto Sunset headed towards us. Instead of pulling into either of the two oncoming lanes to which he was entitled, this ass made a lazy right into OUR turning lane, totally on the wrong side of the road for him. I was so flabbergasted by his stupidity, I only slowly applied my brakes as he zoomed towards us. Finally he realized that he was driving into oncoming traffic, so he leisurely swerved to his about 20 yards right in front of me.

Luckily, I was able to flick my hand to the horn and apply a righteous honking at him; the only problem was that my Honda's horn is not imposing. What's the deal with these new horns? It used to be, you honked the horn of your car, you were signaling to all within a 6 mile radius that you were coming, or that you were angry, or that you supported teachers on strike with a blaring BWAAAAMP! that could help a ship navigate through the densest of fogs. Now, you honk the horn, and all you get is a nasally bweeent that sounds like you somehow got the Roadrunner stuck under your hood. Cars these days.

In addition to getting those old school horns back in the cars, I've been thinking about somehow getting an invention into cars that let's you signal to other cars that their headlights are off or that they just cut you off those bastards or that there's a man in the backseat. One idea is to have, like, a lighted screen on the windows connected to a writing pad by the driver's seat. That way, when someone driving in front of you suddenly turns right without signaling, almost causing you to run into their rear end, you can scribble an angry "Use your damn turnsignals, you moron!" and have that flash on your windows. Of course, they might not catch the note, so maybe you could somehow have a way to transmit to other cars, so that the message flashes on the inside of their front windshield. Eventually, of course, the technology should be in place where you can telepathically yell at them so that speakers in their car play your voice with the message "Hey asshat, I'm IN this lane so don't merge on top of me!"

This also makes it easier to give the old handwave acknowledgement when someone lets you merge in front of them. But we don't care about being nice in this world, do we?

Now Listening To : Phantom Planet-The Guest
Random Thought : August already? When did this happen?

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