October 22, 2003 - 2:00 AM

Dealing with Recurring Dreams of Amherst

The past couple nights I've been having dreams of returning to Amherst to complete my higher-learning experience. The dreams involved me being at Amherst as school starts, having been reaccepted, going through orientation as a freshman again, moving into my new room, all while still having most of my stuff in my apartment out here in Los Angeles and not having quit my current job. I've actually had these sorts of dreams before, ever since I left Amherst in the first place 7 years ago. They were of course real big in my head during the one and a half years that I was out of school; but even after I had switched over to Berklee, I still had the dreams every so often; and then when I moved out here, *boom* again. Whenver I had reservations about the path my life was taking, the dreams would start up.

However, there seems to be a slight difference this time around. Previously, the dreams had contained high levels of anxiety concering if I'd fit in, if I'd be able to restart the portions of my brain that have gone dormant in the intervening years, or if I'd make a fool of myself, if things would've changed so much that I'd be completely lost. Beyond those more logical anxieties, I also had omnipresent, unshakeable fears and feelings of doom whose origins I couldn't quite figure out, but which shrouded my dream self in a perpetual miasma of stomach-unsettling apprehension. I'd wake up sweating and end up carrying the uneasy, empty feeling in my stomach throughout the rest of the day. The despair almost crippled me.

And during those times, I could see what was triggering the dreams, because usually I was thinking about returning to Amherst in real life. Maybe it was because I felt that I had failed that part of my life, and I needed to defeat that failure by facing it again; or I thought that it was the only logical next step to take to go back there after I righted my ship, but I feared the unknown of that step. After I entered Berklee, the questions veered towards the usefulness and importance (in the larger scheme of things) of what I was currently pursuing for my life's work, and how it would be more socially acceptable to go back to Amherst to dedicate myself to a less glamorous, more "normal" major. Then I started having nagging feelings that Amherst was an unfinished part of my life, and I needed closure for that, so the only solution was to, at some point in my life, go back and get that stupid bachelor's degree, to prove that I did belong there, that I did earn my way into the school, that I wasn't a fluke.

I guess the recent spate of dreams has been a result of several little bits and pieces. Most recently has been the heat. It's been so hot that I've been sweating in my sleep. And usually, I find my dreams to be more memorable and vivid when I'm sweating (ewww, dude, too much information). Also, this past Friday, I was on a session with Linda Perry, and she spent most of the day doing an interview and accompanying photoshoot for the Boston Globe (hey, Soph, be on the lookout for it! they might mention me!). As the photoshoot took place, i talked with the interviewer, Joan Anderman, about Boston, its music scene, the clubs, the new no-public-smoking laws. She was real cool and it was neat to see how jazzed she was about Linda and music in general, considering she's been writing about music for, like, 15 years. But anywho, all the reminiscing about Boston put me in mind of Amherst, and missing autumn in New England.

Also, old family friends (my godparents, actually) have their youngest son now starting as a freshman at Amherst, and I've been thinking about what kind of advice I could give him in regards to surviving there. His brother went to the same college as my sister, which is very similar to Amherst, so I'm sure he has some idea what is in store for him. He's even spoken with my sister about hanging out with her and Phil in Boston at some point.

Then, there's the fact that business has been very slow at the studio, and I've worked maybe 8 days all month, and this career path isn't looking so rosy for the moment, what with the big spending labels who send their clients our way cutting back on costs. I've been panicking a little, wondering if I should go back to college to get a better education that will allow me to get a "real" job. See, part of my problem is that I believe too much in following the "proper" route to a destination, rather than jumping in, sink or swim, trial and experience. What I mean is, I look at "how to get a job" and i think "must have degree from good college"; I looked at "how to become engineer/producer" and I saw "must learn through school"; I see that my car has a problem, I think "must take to dealer's service station". I have difficulty thinking outside the box. This ties into my last entry where I talked about my inability to schmooze; it all stems from my inherent belief in there being a proper way to conduct one's life, a path that is the correct one to follow. I can't deviate from that mentality, even though I know that there are tons of people in my profession who jumped into their jobs without an "education" other than just hanging around studios or kicking it with some friends in a garage using old, cheap equipment, or just somehow making the right connections and learning on the job. Somehow, I feel like that is a less "correct" way of getting there, but I know that it isn't. For me, I think it may have to do with a fear of making mistakes. If you're learning in school, you're allowed to make mistakes. That's how you learn. But if you are learning by doing in real life and you make mistakes, there are bigger consequences than just a red mark on a paper or a D on a test. At least, in my mind. And I fear making those mistakes.

But my most recent dreams haven't been as soaked in anxiety as the previous ones. Yes, they are still unsettling, I still have troubling niggles in the back of my head. I have worries that I'm not sure if I want to stay; in fact, I've left most of my stuff in my apartment in L.A., and I'm fretting over who's paying for the apartment while I'm in Amherst, and if I should hold onto the apartment in case I decide I don't want to stay in college. That's a big loose end that I'm afraid to wrap up...it's like an escape route, in case I can't cut it at Amherst-if I do close up the apartment and move everything, that means that I've then failed in that part of my life, and I'm now forced to do the full four years of college. I'm scared of not having an "out".

But I did check out classes in my new dreams, went to a few to see if I'd like them, and there was something reassuring in that. A new adventure, a feeling that I want to and am going to make my brain a better place. In real life I've been thinking that it would be nice to go back to school and take a diverse course load, to see what I missed out on, to broaden my mind. Branch out into the sciences, maths, philosophy, sociology, law, all that other stuff that I had no interest in the first time. See if anything piques the interest. Actually do the reading and the homework. I think my mindset is much better geared towards the learning stuff that you're supposed to do during college now than it was when I was 18.

You know what else has been feeding these dreams? Gilmore Girls. I hate to say it, but Rory going off to Yale has put me in a wistful mood. Although "tv" college is different from reality college, there are some things like going to breakfast in your jammies, small classes discussing literature like your life depended on it, uneasily making new friends, that all bring me back to higher education. *sigh* If only the part of my brain that controls memories like that could have died along with my other "smart" brain cells, I'd be fine.

Now Listening To : The Cardigans-Life
Random Thought : I wish the Yankees would go away.

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