December 02, 2003 - 2:37 AM

Rub, Rub Me Do

At the buffet lunch with Roz and her mom on Saturday, we got to talking a bit about faith, God, love, cynicism, and some other related topics, which came as no surprise, since Roz's parents, like my own, have discovered a deeper relationship with Christianity in these, their later years; and they rarely hesitate, when finding an opening, to talk to you about what they've learned. I know it's not a peculiarly Korean thing to be all gung-ho about God (there's one story from our cousin Eddie about the time he was walking down the street in NYC and just happened to run into Roz's dad when her family was still living there, and the first thing out of her Dad's mouth were "Eddie! You know, I'm crazy?". After a startled and confused "Whuh?" from Eddie, Roz's dad continued, "I"m crazy for Jesus!"), but there's just something about the way Koreans handle their religious zeal and manifest it that takes the cake, much like the way they handle feeding guests: loud, relentless, and backed with a can of whoopass and kimchi. Actually, on The Daily Showa short while ago, they had a little segment with Steve Carell as Produce Pete, in which he talked about the use of cabbage in making kimchi, which Matt alertly taped. The whole thing is hilarious, especially Carell's reaction to smelling the kimchi that he's made, but one of the funnier bits is when he talks about getting the recipe from a Korean friend, only to have the friend start talking about Jesus (as usual). You can watch a streaming version of the clip using the link.

Back to my conversation. I could tell that Roz was a bit embarrassed by her mom's tactics because I've felt the same exact way when my dad starts to go into one of his Catholic sermons. Politely, I went along with the conversation without turning it into an ecumenical exegesis, and did my best to keep it as painless as possible for Roz. But there was some truthful thought stimulation for me that brought together in a braided whole, strands from various internal dialogues that I've been holding for years. The seeds planted during lunch turned into kernels roiling in the oils of my brain during my drive back to L.A., and now, they are popping into fluffy handfuls of ponderings, seasoned by the revelations of others and friends.

The focal point of my brain burst is the idea(s) of LOVE. Somehow, of my twelve years of Catholic School education and required religion classes, the lesson on the different forms of love that the Church co-opted from the Greeks has remained the most salient. The "loves" can be broken down into the three human loves - Philios, Eros, and Storge; and the fourth, "godly" love - Agape. Blah blah blah, I'll try to keep this from being a religious lecture. Philios is, as you can probably guess, brotherly love, ie. the love one feels for a friend. Eros is romantic, physical love based on chemistry and attraction. Storge is familial love, between parent and child or siblings. All three of these have some degree of selfishness built into them (Storge less so) that looks for some return of love, a reciprocal approbation. Agape is the supposed pinnacle of love, the unchallenged love, the unconditional love, the benevolent love that God has for all beings and to which we're supposed to aspire.

I know that I am selfish. The reasons behind everything I do are selfish to some degree. I seek to be acknowledged for my deeds, whether it is opening the door for someone else, saying "thank you" and "please", writing this diary for you to read and applaud, volunteering time for a cause, or buying a gift for someone. One might look at these actions and say "oh what a nice fella he is, so giving." I do the actions and I feel pleased for a little bit, and then I realize that the action was not done for the benefit of the others, but for the benefit of making me feel self-satisfied. Since this is the way I feel, I can't fathom that anyone else doing some sort of charitable or chivalrous work ISN'T doing it for personal benefit.

And, yes, that might be cynical of me to think in such a manner. Roz and I discussed why we think we are cynical. It appears to be tied to the fact that we were idealists who were failed by reality. I want to believe in the good of people, I want to believe that the rules do apply and that they make things fair, that justice prevails, that the good are rewarded and the bad are punished. But then I see the rules skirted, justice abandoned, the bad rewarded for finding loopholes around the "right way" of doing things, and I wonder why I even bother. What I experience is a reality of questionable morals. Then I realize that I'm using my own moral guidesheet as a measure, but who am I to say that my measure is the standard against which others should be judged? Hell, I fail in lots of areas according to it, so I really have no leg to stand on. Maybe one has to maintain faith in the system, in what's right, in good; sadly, faith doesn't fit in my profile much anymore. I do still hope, which at least is something, but faith is busted. I need to see, to feel, to taste something in a tangible form in order to accept it, like doubting Thomas.

Because I haven't felt Agape (pronounced "ah-gah-pay"), I don't know if it exists. I do know Philios, because I love my friends (with the shallow need to see that love reciprocated); I know Eros because I continue to crush on girls like white on rice; and I know Storge, because I love my mom and dad and brother and sister unconditionally. Storge is the love I know best, and the one I most associate with the term "love." There is no way to define it and no need to- I simply love my family because I do.

Why do you love your friends? Because you have similar interests; you have shared good times, and gone through bad times; because they understand you and accept you.

Why do you love that girl/boy? Because they are attractive; they smell nice; they turn you on; they complement and complete you; because they inspire that tingly feeling in your stomach.

Why do you love your family? Because.

Often, when I hear people say about someone they are dating "oh, I'm in love with 'x'", I think, no you're not. You are in LUST with 'x', but not love. You are smitten with the idea of idealized "fictional" love, with the initial butteflies of romance, but that's not love. When you reach the point where you love a person for no reason, "just because", then you can say "I love 'x'". The thing is, I can't tell if that's the cynic in me or the realist. I do believe that in order for a relationship to work, to last, to be right, there must be a healthy combination of Philios, Eros, and Storge. Unfortunately, I've not come close to being able to find the combination. I wonder if it exists. And how much resignation and compromise must also be mixed in to make it work.

Ack ack. My brain is faltering at this late hour. I have so much more to say, but I can't organize any of it anymore.

Now Listening To : Vienna Teng- Waking Hour
Random Thought : I was an altar boy for 3 years. I can recite the mass with some provoking. Please don't hold that against me.

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