November 27, 2005 - 2:42 AM

10 Years and Things Change, But They Don't

Here I am, in Nick's basement in Maryland. Home, but not home anymore. 4 scotches and 2 beers later. Later. As in, after. After the r-e-u-n-i-o-n (we have to spell it out so as to not let the brain know what we're talking about. it's kinda slow that way). And, well, huh.

I've been meaning to write up stuff the past week and a half. Things about J, about work, about the crazy stuff that's been going on in life. But it hasn't come out yet. Don't worry, it'll be up here eventually (yeah, like the entries about LDBL and Mer's wedding, Tony and Margaret's wedding, the dating and breaking up with R, etc.). But for now, you have to deal with the aftermath of 10 years-catching-up. What did you do at your ten year reunion? How did you feel? How much therapy did you have to go through afterwards?

There were so many people there tonight. Talking to the organizer, Susan, she said 70 people had RSVPd, but they were expecting around 100. I don't know if we hit that number, but it certainly was overwhelming, the amount of faces there. I'd been imagining it like the reunion in Grosse Pointe Blank, where John Cusack and Minnie Driver manage to maneuver their way through a throng of odd grownup versions of their high-school compatriots, with one brief, eye-of-the-storm encounter with the only sane person there, a mother with a child who tells them that life afterwards isn't all the badness that they were fearing it might be. That living after high school could be...good. Full of life. And not burdened with expectations or unfulfilled dreams or disappointments.

But such wasn't the case. When is real life ever like the movies?

Everyone is older. They have grown into themselves, filled out their bodies and their lives. The women are gorgeous, the men...well, a little, um, wider. Most are married or in committed relationships. Many have children. So many in jobs of good repute, or with advanced degrees (Masters in such and such, PhD in that and the like), and there I am, advancing the greater good by lowering the domestic IQ a few notches every time my show airs on Wednesday.

Half the time I was there, I was placing my hand on my cheek, expressing disbelief at the number of years someone had been married, or how old their children were, or what that person's younger sibling was doing (married? graduated from college already?). I felt like an old maid at certain points. I don't want to be an old maid. I want to be a vital, contributing memeber of society. I don't want to be a 28 year old monkey.

We should have had name tags. Name tags that told who we were and what we had been doing over the past 10 years. That way, much lung space would have been saved. Instead, I had to endure the experience of telling at least a dozen people that I was, yes, living in L.A. and working for a TV show, only to assure them that such things are not as cool as they sound. How do you explain the mundanity of your life when at first explanation it sounds so stellar?

Then there was Katie. The second girl that I loved (the first, Lisa, was at home with her newborn child). She is married now (three years) and lives a great life. She'll be going to law school next year, and will be a wonderful person. I had, after many years, settled her ghosts in my mind, but tonight brought some back. I will always hold a torch for her, until the day I die, because she is one who made my heart soar, sigh, and sing. I never acted, never told her, and there will always be that regret, but nevertheless. It will be held in the corners of my heart, and I will cherish it and I will mourn it.

She talks about her past, and her future, and I am so happy for her, but i also break a little. It is impossible not to. There must be a way to get through this, to get past this, to accept this, but there will never be a way to get over this. It is a small scar, a little wound that I will carry for a long time.

I didn't realize that these old haunts and old hurts still burned from my past, but they do. What can i do but acknowledge them? Then move on.

Now Listening To : new Imogen Heap
Random Thought : I need to sleep off this alcohol.

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