April 20, 2004 - 12:23 AM

Triad: Fifth-The Century Mark

So this is entry number 100. That seems like a lot, especially considering that this diary thing of mine isn't even a year old (8 and a half months, give or take). Hmm...100 over 8.5 months works out to around 3 entries a week. Although lately, I've been grinding down to 1 entry a week, if that. It's not because there's been a lack of material with which I can fill up this space. On the contrary, I've kept busy, going out to concerts, seeing some movies, teaching. And my life is at a crossroads, in flux, especially in regards to my continued pursuits in the field of music engineering. I'll save those worried thoughts for a future entry, though. And we'll do some quick reviews, too. Right now, I'm going to take a look back at what has been going on with the diary.

And with what kind of scribblings have I been filling this space up? Most of it seems to have been "well, I did this, and this, and then this" type of day-to-day updates, which I've kept doing for two reasons. One is so that my friends and family who occasionally stop by have an idea of what's going on in my life (therefore, I don't have to tell the same boring stuff over and over...I can say "hey, Soph, just read the stupid diary if you want to know what's going on...sheesh"). The other is I want this to be sorta like a real diary to which I can return in the future, so that I can remember what I did in my life. I'm not so good at forming long-lasting memories, partly because I can be quite scatter-brained, partly because I'm lazy, and partly because I've forced myself to live in the moment (for the point of not having to tear my hair out about the future or cry myself to sleep about the past). But in the past few years, I've had instants (instances) where I wanted to recall pieces of my past, only to be stymied by the lack of solid memories. It has gotten to be frustrating and a bit depressing to only have phantoms of experience to grasp out of the murky recesses. Things as recent as my cross-country trip in 1997, or my time in Boston from '98 to '01, or even my first few years here in L.A., I can't create a linear timeline from memories of how things went. I lived the moments, but in time, they lost individual coherence and became a blended stream with too many empty pools and eddys. By trying to consistently record my daily events here, perhaps I'll be able to follow my journey, learn from my past, and not feel so bad about having a fleeting mind.

Interspersed between the fairly dry daily recounting entries are stand-alone ones that cover many different topics- usually a bit of whimsy, or maybe a brain fart, or a review of a movie or some music. What actually started this whole shebang off in the first place was my wanting to set down for posterity the Best Man Speech I delivered at my brother's wedding last July, and also my need to put into concrete words my feelings about the wedding. Subsequent "single-serving" entries have included my rant on the Juicy/butt-billboard phenomenon, my ruminations on the revenge fantasy as explored in Kill Bill, my reflections on my cat and my family over the holidays, and my ode to my new backpack. And it turns out that these are the entries that I enjoy the most, both to read and to write. Instead of just putting my brain on automatic, plucking from memory the proceedings of the previous day(s), I get to stretch my imagination a bit, flex my creative writing powers, and fling a few well-thought-out zingers about. Usually, some small event will stir my interest to the point where I ruminate obsessively about it; the more insignificant or inconsequential the subject, the more fun it is to embellish my thoughts and create a whole entry about it. Then, I can organize my thoughts and try to create a semi-structured essay.

Strange, but I can kinda draw correlations between my enjoyment of my diary entries and how I like my X-Files episodes. I always thought the strongest episodes were the stand-alone, monster-of-the-week ones because they had no constraints upon them and could be as scary or as funny as they wanted to be. They were a self-contained "universe" that began and ended in that hour. The episodes that were a part of the "mythology" of the X-Files, the ones that furthered the whole convoluted conspiracy storyline, suffered in my mind because they labored under the weight of all the "history" that came before. They didn't carry the same mystery/horror/suspense creative thrills as the stand-alones, relying instead on tired old government conspiracy/spy movie cliches as well as story "twists" that were pulled out of thin air and often contradicted any logic that had been built up before. They existed to further the continuing story which let us see the character development of Scully and Mulder, but instead of being exciting and imaginative like the stand-alones, they were stodgy and tedious.

I look upon my own entries in a similar way. I write about my daily doings because I have to; and, since they are driven by necessity and a dry recountings of facts, they are often less entertaining. They suffer from having to follow a formula. The stand-alone entries, however, are conceived from strange bursts of inspiration, and they take up a funky life of their own. They flow and roll, taking the reader on an unexpected journey that might not necessarily be enlightening, but at least it's a different experience, and, I hope, a humorous one. I'd certainly like to try to write more of these types of entries because I feel that they improve my writing and thinking skills.

Something else about my entries (and this one in particular). Perhaps it's self-evident in my writing, but I tend not to do drafts or re-writes on these things. Sometimes, topics blossom in my head while I'm driving, or I figure out a skeleton outline during down time on the job. Then, when I get home, if I'm still feeling the inspiration for writing, I plunk down for a few hours in front of the keyboard and bink out an entry. I just write and write as the thoughts flow through me with little editing done (except for spelling and punctuation corrections); finally, when I feel like I've gone as far as I can (or want to), I skim the whole thing once, checking to make sure that it is coherent and abides by grammatical rules, before I post it.

This 100th entry is a bit different. This is the first one that I'm writing in a text editor outside of my web-browser. I'm actually taking my time with it (which is why it is a week overdue), trying to process my thoughts and lay them out in a purposeful way. I don't know that I've done a noticeably better job with this one than with any of my previous scrawlings. I certainly hope that I did. One thing that I haven't done in this entry is explore how much (or little) I've revealed of my emotions throughout the diary. While I have done some venting and some lamenting, I've not bled my heart too much because I'm not fully comfortable firing away with my intimate feelings. Oh, don't worry baby, it's not you- it's me. I promise that I'll try to be more open and honest in the future. Now gimme some sugar.

Now Listening To : Barenaked Ladies-Maybe You Should Drive
Random Thought : Thanks for sticking with me through 100 of these things. I'll pick up the pace.

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